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I asked bari to marry me on June 28th, 2007, and she said yes! so we are engaged. Her engagement ring is beautiful:

The proposed wedding date is set for Dec. 17th, 2008. i am wicked excited. =D!

So, sometime b/w now and then i am going to tell my mom. Im not sure how she will react and it makes me nervous. oh well,

I am in summer school bc i failed chemistry. My grade in the summer class is currently a 95%.

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April 14th 2006 - April 14th 2007. 

a year has passed. 
I have come a long way from then. 
my mind no longer reminisques over that act. 
i am not filled with sorrow over what transpired then.
I have overcome it. Finally. 

April 25th 2007 - takes my breath away. =]

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And I'll try to sleep
To keep you in my dreams...
I'll try to sleep
And when I do I'll keep you in my... dreams

 i've been molded into this state. my brain is nothing more than faulty wiring. im sinking to the bottom of my everything that freaks me out. im cold as cold can be. 

i had everything i could have ever needed/wanted with her. just to be near her was amazing. I love the way she smelled. it was intoxicating. i simply got high off of the way she smelled. i devoted my entire self to bari. I fell so fucking hard. and now She wont even glance at me. She doesnt even acknowledge my existance. how can She do this to me? i fail to see how any of this is for the best. Her words: " you understand nothing. this is for the best." haha. oh my. it's the best way for me to go insane. congratulations m'dear. "i never knew you til you left me with the crying disease." i hate to wake up in the mornings. i always wake up to this empty feeling. half of me is dead. ive lost my best friend. this sucks so much. i lost her within the blink of an eye for no reason at all. 

Bari's Words: she hates me b/c i exist. she never meant all the times she told me "i love you" 

iloveher.shelovesmenot.iloveher.shelovesmenot. "will you say you never loved me just to put it in my face?" - blue october. 

the best way i can describe myself now is Dead. 


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Dear, you mix me up.
Sometimes you build me up I think just to watch me break down. 
I dont know what im doing, I dont know what to do. 
but there is something making me hold on, im not sure what it is though.
 I'm sorry I am not any thing like him. I'm sorry I am not Him.

"As my eyes open from their state of sleep,
I feel my blood turn into a frozen river.
Nightmares told me
Death was in the air.
My heart locked shut, and I gave you the key
Promise never, never to leave!
As lies hold me and this emptiness fills my broken heart.
Screaming your name hoping for a response.
Summer, drowned by WINTER!
To look in your face AND realized the time we SPENT
The chances I HAD
Have drifted away from my fingertips"
- Underoath

"Can you feel your heartbeat racing?
Can you taste the fear in her sweat?
You've done this wrong
It's too far gone
These sheets tell of regret
I admit that I'm just a fool for you
I am just a fool for you"
- Underoath

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 i had this weekend off from work. it was nice. i need a longer break from it, though. that job is too stressful and i do not get paid enough to deal with all the shit i have to on a daily basis.  It is ridiculous. 

i aquired another stalker at subway. *sigh* maybe i should just hire my own personal police force to protect me from the creeps. mhmm.

Sunday i spent the entire day with bari. it was wonderful, magnificent, beautiful. So much fun was had. At the theaters she schooled me in air hockey. i lost four times to her. safe to say she is the reigning champion of that game. punk. haha. i love that girl so much. when i see her my heart skips beats, when she smiles my soul is uplifted. She makes me happy. I hope that i can give her just as much happiness as she has given me. All the things that never were are- because of her. she is amazing.  =D <333

eh, routine. tests. "studying." h/w. etc. its getting better. im trying more.  when i put forth a pinch of effort i get pretty good results in my classes. my teachers have noticed the change in me and are somewhat bewildered. haha. whatev. It helps to talk to them on a one on one level. you get more brownie points with them that way. plus if you give them their fav food that also works in your favor as well. 

more later.

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I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonight

i was interviewed this week. i was asked to talk about myself. explain who i was. All words escaped my mouth and left me mute. i could describe my mother fine. admirable. protective. strong. my older sister as well. talented. blunt. hard-ass.

but myself.  i could not... i am a writer?....a dreamer?...

i've always been put in situations where i grow up faster than other kids.i wont talk about the past. that has already happened. however in the present, i am paying bills. bills my family has aquired over the years. i wont bitch about it. My original intention when i got a job was to help out with the situation. sometimes, though, it gets me. i want to break down and just cry. will i have enough to pay w/e? will i make good enough grades while busting my ass and get a scholarship?  these thoughts are always on my mind. i wake up and its as if i dont know what i am doing. i want to turn to so many things to just quite the thoughts that plague me.  just quite them for awhile. 

i was watching Lord of War last night. and a line struck me. Uri said, " ive never understood what seperates a recreational drug user from a habitual user."  it made me think.... no matter how many ways i tried to analyze the topic i couldnt come up with a substantial answer. one that didnt sound so ridiculous. 

Maybe the habitual user turns to her drugs hoping that an escape from all the problems of the world will come soon and she'll die. And for the recreational user, it's an experiance one wants to have. to know what it feels like. in their eyes its all for the fun. And then, maybe she starts out as a recreational user and along the way transforms into a habitual user. B/c it's easier to live that way. in a world that is made out of lies. Sometimes lies can be beautiful. 

I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

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she's upset w/ me. and she has every right to be upset. however, she wasnt the only one who got hurt in the conversation. she's the only person who can say the things she says to me and still have me as a friend. i give her endless dedication and loyalty. i wish i could take back the awful statement i said to her. but i cant. i can only offer her my apologies and hope our relationship wont suffer.

Am i romantic? an idealist? yes. Am I a backwards pesimistic individual? most likely.

"seperate fantasy from reality." - ill take this advice to heart.
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The cold air touches my face and I let out a wretched scream. A scream so tortured that It rips my body into shreds. My internal organs are displayed on the floor for you to see. My, what beautiful red ribbons they make. I wish you were standing in front of me at this moment. You would agree with me that these instruments needed to sustain life are elegant. I would then tie the red ribbons in your hair, oh how lovely you would look. And I'd say to you, “Dear, you have never looked lovelier." Our eyes will then meet, the ocean colored eyes violently colliding into one another's, and everything shall be relived through that one stare. Every emotion you and I have experienced, individually and together, will be exposed through these two sets of eyes, the windows to the human soul. Fate has bound us together.

Where and when will our journey begin? The story of the torn, the humiliated, the selfish, the innocent, the guilty, the adulterers, the addicted, has yet to be told from the mouth of a just "God." Let us begin to unmask the veil that holds this world in its habitual orbit around the sun, and find the true meaning of what it actually means to be alive and love.
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our relationship is full of complexity. It makes our bond unique. and stronger. even though we have hurt one another greatly in the past, we have always helped each other get back up when one of us falls. You are "mi estrella." My star. Your light shines brightly upon my face and you guide me. our path is unknown but i am determined to remain by your side, regardless. Our journey is going to be one hell of a ride. and i am so stoked for it. i love you!

Amari <333 dec. 24th 2006
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ive been on a destructive path for the past month. all to erase my emotions. and it worked for a while. then it came back to "tap me on the shoulder." and who i saw looking at me in the mirror was not who i wanted to become. it disgusted me. i disgusted myself. what ive done is not in the least bit "cool" it degraded me: my standards. all my beliefs ive held so close for so long have toppled over.
and i can trace it to the beginning. trace the poison i let in w/ guilty pleasure. Ever since april ive been so estranged. i look at the world with one eye open and see nothing. it scares me. i see routine. eevrywhere. i dont want that for my life.

i dreamed the world ended. i carried some statue like a throne on my shoulders with four other ppl chanting "my God reigns." the feeling of that was peace. it ended though for i was captured by this group. i escaped many times only to be recaptured. always losing. the ppl who would help me would turn their back just as easily for the reward of returning me. (i dont know what to make of it)

i did something i should not have done to piss someone dear to me off. i wanted to get even. what a fucking great "mature" move that was. i regret it. it wasnt like i slept with anybody but still. i am so sry.

i am not some teenaged horomonal crazed kid. im sick of hook ups. im sick of short term deals. im just SICK of it all. i want someone whos going to be there for me. someone just to hold me. someone to have pillow fights with. to wrestle. laugh with. someone who i wont pressure or wont pressure me. Someone to just simply be with. I want companionship dammit. i look at stepie and freddie and they make me smile. i want something close to that one day. theyve been dating since sophmore year. its incredible. my relationships have all beend effed up in some general manner. they never outlast a month or two. i'm learning all the time from them.

No more substances, no more lies, no more self destruction. Im working towards a new me. one thats not so weak and ill. transformation overload. hello new me. [: i will and can do this.
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