I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
i was interviewed this week. i was asked to talk about myself. explain who i was. All words escaped my mouth and left me mute. i could describe my mother fine. admirable. protective. strong. my older sister as well. talented. blunt. hard-ass.
but myself. i could not... i am a writer?....a dreamer?...
i've always been put in situations where i grow up faster than other kids.i wont talk about the past. that has already happened. however in the present, i am paying bills. bills my family has aquired over the years. i wont bitch about it. My original intention when i got a job was to help out with the situation. sometimes, though, it gets me. i want to break down and just cry. will i have enough to pay w/e? will i make good enough grades while busting my ass and get a scholarship? these thoughts are always on my mind. i wake up and its as if i dont know what i am doing. i want to turn to so many things to just quite the thoughts that plague me. just quite them for awhile.
i was watching Lord of War last night. and a line struck me. Uri said, " ive never understood what seperates a recreational drug user from a habitual user." it made me think.... no matter how many ways i tried to analyze the topic i couldnt come up with a substantial answer. one that didnt sound so ridiculous.
Maybe the habitual user turns to her drugs hoping that an escape from all the problems of the world will come soon and she'll die. And for the recreational user, it's an experiance one wants to have. to know what it feels like. in their eyes its all for the fun. And then, maybe she starts out as a recreational user and along the way transforms into a habitual user. B/c it's easier to live that way. in a world that is made out of lies. Sometimes lies can be beautiful.
I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?